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July 16, 2013

Vomit may never taste the same again.

The world is running out of Tequila. I love Tequila, and I'm not going to take all the blame.

The Mexican cactus booze has been in trouble for the last couple of years, and high demand and diseased crops have seriously threatened its supply in the past. But now, we might actually be looking at a possible eradication of tequila as a worldwide commodity.

Half of a decade ago, the Bush administration introduced new regulations to begin substituting gasoline with bio-fuels made from corn-based ethanol, the idea being to ease America's dependency on foreign oil. One side effect was that ethanol prices skyrocketed to the point that farmers in Mexico started abandoning their old crops in favor of corn to ship off to the United States.

Unfortunately, this included destroying crops of agave cactus (from which tequila is made) by setting them on fire, because that's how they roll in Mexico.

But whatever -- we can just plant more of that cacti, right? About that, you see, the blue agave cactus is what you would call the Chinese panda of the plant world, in that it's insanely particular about how it reproduces. It's prone to diseases and will grow only in a very specific climate: on very high altitudes and preferably in red volcanic soil. This pretty much confines it to the Mexican state of Jalisco and surrounding areas, the only places in the entire world where Mexican law allows for the production of "tequila", a name to which Mexico holds exclusive rights.


In 2012, Mexican farmers planted 30 percent less agave than in the previous years, and the remaining cacti were given the red-headed stepchild treatment: mistreated and generally ignored, causing global tequila production to drop significantly. Basically, when one region of Mexico goes sober, the entire world gets the tequila shakes.

Here's the best part: Tequila is made by removing the fructose at the core of the plant in its 12th year. So basically, if they're replanted tomorrow, you might have enough for one very basic crop in 2025, assuming the plants aren't harmed by diseases, weird weather patterns, or anything else in the next dozen or so years. In short, you might want to start developing a taste for wine coolers.

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