Untold Truth

It wasn't right this night
I told you secrets that I wouldn't normally speak of
lost in a world of liquid poison
I revealed my soul to you
there is no backing out now
the unfortunate consequences of innocence to experience
maybe i'm just scared
scared of what you warned me about
My fingers are numb and my mind is frozen
I'll see you later.

Flurries of Winter

I don't dream about real life, which has made the past few days all the more disconcerting.  When I close my eyes for the night, power down my brain and drift off to REM-land I conquer mountains, fight the wolves, or remember how to fly.  I think it's because I'm innately bored of real life and its idiosyncrasies.  Life's a journey, but dreaming has all the really cool parts of it (and the stuff you'd rather do).

In the past week my life has been filled with plenty of events to keep me busy.  So many, in fact, I find myself unable to leave real life where it belongs (in real life, and far from my sleeping form).

I'm sleeping underneath the wonderful "Longmont Lights", a huge full-wall mural that gives the illusion of sleeping beneath the stars of the front range.  I've also got a temporary bedroom with computers and endless entertainment at my command.  I've got a position where I sell weed for hours and work in the industry that suppose to help people feel better.  I've got a wonderful companion that supports and understands me better then anyone else I've ever known.  I even started feeling optimistic about a major move in the next couple weeks.

And yet, I've lost the ability to dream about fantasies and a flower bed filled with roses and candles.  I'm way too caught up in real life.  While I'm determined to taste, touch, hear, and see everything there's got to be a divider line between my personal fantasy time and the battle with real life, and there's a sinking feeling I'm losing.

Sometimes I miss the days where the world would warp, or when the music danced until the sun came up.  Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people I knew back then, to the person I was back then, to all the memories that have fused together in a jigsaw phantasmagoria waiting to be unraveled or rewound.  I wonder if they'll ever return, with different faces and different places, or if that's all cataloged away for younger-years.

This weekend will be an escape to make dream come true.  I have seen the first pretentious snow in Boulder, but hope for flurries soon in the next few days.

Interestingly enough, a song randomly played as I'm about to end this post: "Dream About Me" by Moby.  What an incredible synchronicity.

Love is the Greatest.

Love is the greatest thing there is, and I want to feel it with you everyday, every night. With all the fiery passion that ensues true to the goal of wholeness and fullness of real love do we pursue with all boldness. Though emotions burn in our souls so out of control, it consumes us wholly, yet fully holy are our actions so that the distractions of the flesh don't take our best intentions and breed dissension.

I need to mention that no one could see you as so perfect in their eyes as mine. I see every inch of your imperfection as flawless. Even not seeing all of it yet I stand in awe of it. And bet that even the parts of you that you don't like are like gems hidden in sands, that my hands would tremble to touch because their glowing beauty is so much, that to have them and your heart in my clutches would cause rushes of euphoria like avalanches of love boring down on ya like never before.

My heart is incarcerated with these thoughts of holding you close to me, but waiting to partake in physical ecstasy till we know fully that forever it will just be you and me that will exclusively enjoy it in our bodies. Because that love is the greatest thing there is, and I want to feel it with you our whole life through!

If I shot down the moon

If I shot down the moon way too soon and gave it to you out of the blue; what would you do?

If my heart was attached and there were tears in my eyes, would such a sign fly in your mind that I could come along side you? So that we could run hand in hand thru our plans for a short while. Kiss and smile, embrace and defile these bodies of dust in our young lust like dreams of lonely old people. Then when it ends and our minds bend at night remembering the touches, the love brushes, the songs that played, and the sounds we made in intimate moments. At the time hoping the quotient of the potion was enough to last forever. Knowing it wasn't but saying "whatever" and "never will I leave you" until we do, and then left with beautifully painful and dually sustained full memories piling like dead leaves from the days flying by. Months and years before our eyes, so then before we die we can thank life for the pictures and the mixtures of people we knew.

So tell me, sunshine, if I shot down the moon way too soon and gave it to you out of the blue; what would you do?

Changes

I could’ve been a private investigator, or a hacker, or even a ninja. My parents always used to tell me I could be anything, right up until I told them I wanted to move to Colorado and be a dirtbag. Before that, it was assumed I was going to get a real job, buy a house, and settle for the life of a house wife.

Things change as we get older. Sometimes they settle down, other times we get complacent. We dredge through the new responsibilities and seek out excitement to enrich ourselves with. Sometimes we find it, and sometimes we stumble.

We meet new people all the time. Sometimes they come and go, just to leave a beautiful memory, a life lesson. Sometimes they stay for the rest of our life. Either way, you know damn well that I freaking love you and happy to be here.

I’m slowly attempting to be a “career oriented” that knows how to greet people in two different languages, and smile in a pleasing way. Maturity is defined by the experiences and empathy you have. I chose to take life at a faster pace than most, making mistakes, bleeding and growing in the process. Who I am, who anyone is today, should be something to be proud of, with a willingness to embrace your weaknesses and strengths in the same breath. If I didn't firmly believe that I deserved mountain-domination, I wouldn't stand where I was today, I'd be festering in my parents basement playing World of Warcraft and answering Craigslist personal ads.

I believe that loyalty is the rarest and most vital tenets of humanity. Loyalty is to "accept no harm" to those we love. If we could all do that, then the world would be okay, in the end. Right?

Rhymes

Exotic simplistic linguistics bumps sadistic mystics realistic
its artistic opportunistic, I'll kick it
the dualistic chauvinistic materialistic ballistic logistics breed primitivistic propagandistics voyeuristic...
of the hedonistic holistic naturalistic altruistic moralistics stylistics tick
egotistical spiracle miracle keep-me-full to the ground
compound around and away from rebound resound
and sustain my own inner champagne go to sleep to regroup arcane,
rest the body mind and brain

+

I  need to relax so I'm daydreaming again

I need some warm sand, a hot sun, and an ocean
or the jungle, herb and shrooms, and some drums
echoes bouncing off the trees, birds beneath the canopy
singing free, pure sounds, sparatic movement,
life embracing the spirit, the souls, and my body completely.
Running.
Feather steps, leftover morning dew-drops,
hidden places, faces, sacred spaces, plants, leaves, ground, textures, vibrations
Dark and light sun rays peeking through, reaching the ground
touching gently in an array of majestic, mystical warm sparkling patterns
Real, humbled, innocence, surrendering to the highest of powers.
Strength, Love, Light.

I wanna speak the language of the universe.

The Changing Seasons

Winter (The Director)
I fell for Winter way back in '99. One glance at her pristine beauty and crystal accomplishments, I was in love. I was young and alone back then, she taught me how to warm the cold and compete to survive. She could shear my breath with an icy gust, or enthrall me with confounding blizzards. I'd dream, and dream, and dream as I walked on her snowy blanket, past the snow angels to remember, and snowmen to build. But seasons change, and Winter rumbled on to find another lost lover to whisper her cold, cold secrets. I'm still waiting for that one frigid Winter to come around again, just to feel the stinging touch and relearn her gelid lessons.

Spring (The Builder)
Spring came with budding popularity, sunshine, and dependable rain. The zealous celebration of life, newness and delicate disaster of painfully exploding innocence, all brought me home. I danced, wrapped in nothing but showers, tromped through careful flowerbeds, and stood for today as no concern of tomorrow. She taught me how to nurture and listen, lest I miss something beautiful.  But Spring is an unpredictable season, going from lion to lamb without warning or reason. A lion passed one year, and Spring was gone, leaving only a wreath of flowers.

New Moon (An Interlude)
There's consequence to Love. Someday, if you listen carefully you'll hear it knocking at your door, asking for a cup of sugar and some answers. And maybe you'll invite it in and show the scars on your back from when you started looking for answers and borrowing sugar. Or maybe you'll just stand there, staring at the bathroom mirror and wishing the doorbell would ring. Or maybe you'll wake up and everything will be different, or everything will be gone, or maybe…

Summer (The Explorer)
Summer is a clear schedule, the keys in your pocket and a brilliant day to explore. Everyone loves summer, she shines so brightly that everyone knows her but she hardly knows herself. Even the darkest days are light and warm, the cold midnight and stars are kept away with her intense, watchful glare. I learned unyielding loyalty, and the importance of "together" from her intense sunny sessions, where a good summer day was utterly enchanting, and a bad is wholly unbearable. Sunsets and sunrises are plentiful in summer, always brilliantly scintillating and short-lived, best experienced on the beaches or lakes where you can spend it alone, together. She's the all-or-nothing organic incarnation of Bacchanal, giving and taking the desired points of life. With a flirtatious glance and a Cheshire smile I tumbled head-over-heels into hot summer love.

Autumn (The Negotiator)
Autumn is an evolving season. Uniquely celebrating the fusion from a previous life and the climax of a new, there's something sentient and spectacular about the reds, oranges and yellows as they shift through the streets and passages. I used to chase leaves as they fell, frantically trying to catch and catalog each in my butterfly net, then releasing the crowning colors back into the wild. Of course, they could never be described or fully captured in their vibrant splendor and beauty, for the traces of their previous life wove many stories over the pieces of the new. I'd walk along a wooded path, guided by the gentle rustle of an Autumnal breeze, and the muted crackle of leaves underfoot seducing my secrets until I had nothing but meaningless nothings and recollections; at which point I'd emerge refreshed and invigorated; and exposed. The quiet beauty and vibrant mystery of the Autumn season captures me, though each day more leaves fall, and the season threatens to change.

Dancing In The Moonlight.

Full-moon hike after work tonight.
It was magical as the animals were out and howling.
Dancing under the moon light never felt so right.

There is a man in my dreams. He is tall, beautiful, and glowing in happiness.

Together, we romance in imagination, whittling worlds and ages away to nascent concepts and blind ideas: before the dawn, beneath the dusk.

Whispered secrets and philosophies drift through the current of a river that runs along the paths. The paths that have always been there, some hazardous, some traveled, some yet to be discovered. And there are bridges, some smoking and ruined, others spanning vast depths and chasms, stretching across canyons filled with tears spilled along the journey.

The place within my mind is changing, evolving. My muse is a "will-o-wisp": entrancing, alluring, but deadly dangerous, enticing me with thrills to expand my universe, driving me to adventures I may not return from, motivating me to dizzying heights from which to fall.

I suppose sometimes you must fall, to fly.

There is a man, who is in my dreams. He is the prince charming who'd wake me up from my sleep  to dance under the moon. Every night, he'd light my soul on fire. I was filled with restless embers, just waiting for the next best thing to catch so we could light this place up. He took over my cerebellum and filled my thoughts with his smiles every waking seconds. The drum beats of my heart was racing fast only to fill my veins with passion and desire. I'd be excited and vulnerable. But the silly thing is, he wouldn't even know it.

I am the syringe with only one vaccination

Personal persona invincible against you
your passion
your lust
true to your heart, actions that reflect as deep as your soul
you are pure, just the wrong place at the right time
questions with seeming meaningless transparent answers attached to them
ask yourself one thing
do you regret
anything
if I told you, "I don't love you"
if I told you, "I can't love you"
would you understand?

Understand, I am broken

breaking time and time again
locked into a endless game of chase tail
deep in love, an emotion I can only recall
remembering the times that I could feel such a thing
memories that poison my life.

Do you regret me?

Expression of my sorrow grows inside me
mending my body and soul with the feeling of destruction.

Would you understand?

Nourishing Secrets

I’m searching for answers in this life I’m in, and the questions have always been the same. I’ve been crafting careful memories, both regrettable and irreplaceable with a bit of serendipity thrown in.

The passionate soul calls like a moth to the flame, bringing us close to the brink where we vibrate with the intensity to fly, or fall. It’s basic, instinctual, carnal, and beautiful.

It’s hardest to scrape out of the darkness when all you hear are voices screaming down. Sometimes you need a helping hand, some footsteps in the sand, a light to guide you. And other times you close your eyes and run, trusting the world to keep spinning and keep you firmly riveted to the ground.

I wish I learned how to juggle when I was young, a good skill for anyone to have. When you drop the ball you just dust it off, pick up a new one and keep things rolling. A wonderful philosophy and logic to apply to life.

My dreams have been running rampantly through my life, which always makes me uncomfortable. Whenever you dream about what’s happening instead of what could happen, it’s the harbinger of insanity. Pretty soon I’ll be muttering about butterflies and chasing tinfoil tumbleweeds across the kitchen wearing nothing but socks. Keeps the legs warm, you know.

A constant ear, a gentle touch, a whispered kiss—these things nourish me. I’m convinced that there’s deeper meaning within the secrets we try so desperately to hide. Only on release of ourselves or to each other can we ever reach enlightenment.

There’s so much magic in the world, so many possibilities, so many stars to gaze and mountains to conquer. In the end you're either remembered or forgotten. Good intentions and careful planning are like holding the ground to avoid a centrifugal ride into outer space. You'll never know it is one hell of a ride until you let go.